I had such high expectations when I wrote my last post in February to continue my story; unfortunately life gets in the way. I'm just going to pick up where I left off -- August of my first year teaching and then I'm going to skip ahead to this past week. When I write again (I promise you I will write sometime Sunday or Monday -- probably Monday because mom will be here and she has told me she will keep Malachi so I can have a few hours alone. I feel moderately guilty since it's her birthday; however, I also carve time to myself so I am going to take advantage of it. I also don't think it's quite taking advantage because a.) she offered and b.) she adores Malachi so spending time with him is kinda a gift. Right? Right.)
Anyway, we were at Church one Sunday and they announced TJM (this was what the college outreach called themselves -- stands for The Jesus Movement) was doing a camping trip down to some beach that starts with a D but now I can't remember the name of. I wasn't going to go because while I absolutely love camping, I love doing it when it's chilly out and was worried I'd be too hot. I got to thinking about it and decided Gale might be going so I signed up. Turns out joke was on me because he told me he wasn't going when we were driving home (we always drove everywhere together since he lived downstairs). Anyway, the camping trip was mostly uneventful aside from the fact Gale did indeed show up later that night (he drove down with some others), so I was stoked and that's the first time S and I met.
Not much else to say about the trip -- it wasn't too hot and I had fun. We watched the sunrise over the water and I'm a huge sucker for that. I have always figured it would be a wonderful date to begin by watching the sunrise over one coast and end with watching the sunset over the other coast. However, the real reason I'm feeling the need to write have little to do with the past and more to do with the present. Gale got married last week -- I know because my sister and a few other friends are still his friend on Facebook. I swore to myself I wouldn't look at the pictures and I inevitably logged into my sisters account and did... and it was the colossal (which fyi I apparently can't spell -- had to have spell checks help!) mistake everyone told me it would be. Probably worse. It took me right back to all those years ago and me choosing S over him. I liked Gale so much and never told him. After I got engaged to S every one of our friends told me how they always thought Gale and I would end up together. I never confessed to any of them at the time I felt the same way. At the time it didn't seem like it mattered, but it changed my life. I think it was the right choice (realistically how can I ever think anything else when S gave me Malachi?), but wondering what might have been is such a killer. I think it's so hard to wonder "what if" because there are so many possibilities as opposed to what actually happens because you know how it turns out.
Anyway, as all of you know I am honest to a fault now. Sometimes I think it's a mistake -- oftentimes the truth doesn't set you free but rather is a humiliating, embarrassing thing that makes me go red in the ears (was never a huge red in the cheek girl -- always been the ears!) but it all goes back to this. If I had been honest with Gale about how I felt we may have ended up together. I wouldn't change my fate now, but I never want a repeat of it. So, I'm always honest with my feelings for other people regardless of if it's good or bad.
The girl Gale married was one of the few girls that was never nice to me. I didn't get it until they started dating -- I'm sure she always liked him and wouldn't have liked that I was with him.
So, today was a day for remembering. I always have said once I share something it's so freeing and yet again that holds true in this case. I have spent far too much time on the what if route since viewing those pictures. I think maybe I'm better now. I will let you know next time...
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