In which we go to breakthrough

Disclaimer: I've already taken out my contacts for the night and lost my glasses weeks ago.  I therefore am actually writing this without the ability to see it.  I may reread it before I post it -- will depend on how tired I get between now and then and how close I have to get to the screen to read it.  I am expecting this post to be a long one, but am not sure what I'm going to write at the same time so we will see.

First off, I actually want to say how amazed and humbled I am by the sheer number of people who read this blog.  When I started it I just wanted to sort out my feelings of the whole knocked-up, kinda married but not really since we never lived together (I mean seriously -- I have to tell people we were married when I never even lived with the guy!?  I was closer to being married to Jon, yet I never feel like a horrible person for saying I lived with him), divorced, joined a cult thing.  I have worked out most of my issues now -- writing really is therapy.  I think I only write when I am feeling particularly down and thanks to the wedding pictures that's where I am.  I have no feelings for Gale -- I haven't even talked to him in two Christmases, so how did it affect me so?  I don't understand.  My only thoughts are it's not exactly the situation that upset me, so much as real closure on what might have been.  On a positive note, I have been better since my earlier post.  My sister also deleted him, so that's good!  I don't think I would ever log into her account to look at his pictures again -- I've never really been into the whole inflicting pain on myself thing.  However, now I don't have to worry about it.  Well, actually if I'm being honest Jared is still his friend and Jared would let me look.  However, I would also feel like a total stalker asking, so it's not going to happen.

Anyway, after a few weeks two more kindergarten teachers were hired and that really helped take the load off me.  The boy who was so volatile was moved, along with the girl who mimicked everything, so that made a huge difference in my classroom.  They did take one boy who was super sweet and had the best manners, which I was bummed about, but it happens.  He actually saw me a few weeks later and asked why I didn't want him.  When I inquired as to what made him think that, he told me that his mom told him that he was moved out of my classroom because I did not want him there. I was so livid at his mom -- why would she think that, let alone tell her five year old?  Some people have no sense.

In many ways having the boy with the behavior problems transferred made me feel inadequate as a teacher.  I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to control him.  Of the two new teachers hired, one was a newbie like me and the other had experience, so he was placed with the teacher who had experience.  He actually had to be transferred out of her classroom as well, which made me feel better.  As I type this, I realize those feelings of inadequacy relating to him being transferred out have stayed with me until recently.  Last year there was a little boy in another teacher's class who was on par with the boy I had the first year.  He ended up being transferred to a school that specializes in dealing with behavior problems, but before he left I was the only teacher he would really respond to.  That made me feel pretty good.  I'm not saying I was perfect by any means -- he listened to me like 10% of the time.  However, it made me feel good those times that it happened.  He actually had a little brother come to our school this year and they placed him with me in case they were similar, and they were.  I was able to keep him until a little bit after Christmas, but at that point he was missing school so often due to bus suspensions they decided he had to be sent to the other school.  I fought so hard to keep him, but in the end it didn't work.  It was really sad because the paperwork went through so quickly I didn't even get to say goodbye.  I miss him, but at the same time my classroom is so different without him (positively) that I can't help but be relieved and then I feel bad about myself.  So many mixed feelings! Anyway, moving on...

At my church/cult, there is one event always spoken of in reverence -- Breakthrough.  I went the weekend of 09-11 (which I remember because it was my good friends birthday and I had to miss her special day!).  I decided the Sunday of the deadline I wanted to go (we know how bad I am about that).  I signed up and then found out Gale was going too.  I think perhaps this was the first church event I went to on my own and not only because he was going to it.  We ended up riding together (of course) and it actually led to one of those memories that are plain as day even now -- when we got to the church we were both getting out our bags/sleeping gear and glanced up at the same time and smiled.  So innocent and sweet -- I think perhaps that is what I liked about him: he always alluded (apparently I don't know the difference between eluded and alluded.  I think these two words are way too similar to have such different meanings) innocence and was crazy nice and sweet. 

Anyway, when we got inside the church chairs were lined up in single file lines about six feet apart both directions with the girls on one side and the boys on the other.  I went to the front center (shocker -- I know!!) and opted to sit there.  When it finally started they instructed the age group of 25+ to go elsewhere and I remember being grateful I wasn't that old... hahaha so funny!!!  

Anyway, one of the first things that occurred involved each participant being given a piece of paper with a ton of sins listed.  We were supposed to check any we committed.  There were so many!  I am not perfect, but I also have a pretty clear sense of right versus wrong, so I didn't have too many crazy checks and honestly I wasn't particularly upset by any of the "sins" I had committed.  While we were doing it they brought out these huge crosses to the front of the row and we were all told to nail them to the cross.  I picked from and center (have you picked up on my weird center quirk yet?) and nailed it in and then returned to my seat.  We then did some worship music, listened to some speakers, watched a pretty awesome skit, and then were given a partner to talk to.  The partner was someone who had been through breakthrough and supposedly they had prayed to help set us up with the right matched.  It turned out my group had one person who had gone through breakthrough and then another girl in it who was attending breakthrough with me.  I thought it was odd that we were the only group with two, but nothing negative.  However, as she spoke I learned her parents are both elders at the church and they had just convinced her to come to breakthrough the day before (even though the deadline was a few weeks prior).  The girl was definitely rigged with my leader, so I didn't really get to talk.  It was fine, I used the time to reflect about my classroom and what I could do to improve it.  I only later learned this time is supposed to be a big deal.  

Afterwards we went back to our seats and they brought the crosses back out with our papers nailed on.  Since I had put mine on first, I took it off last... only the girl from my group took mine instead of hers!  My heart was pounding -- how could she not remember where hers was!  She was going to see all my secrets!  Then when we opened them everything was gone -- supposed to show how when Jesus died he erased our sins.  I'm ashamed to admit that by that point I was mostly just happy he erased my paper before she opened it.

We then did a few things before bed.  The next day was more of the same, but at one point all the church leaders came and washed our feet.  Felt so weird having someone touching my feet without giving me a pedicure.  We were supposed to play some sports, but it rained and I was quite glad because I had not packed a sports bra.  Other than that, the event was pretty uneventful.  It was so built up and while I enjoyed it, it wasn't what I expected.  Sure, there was great energy, but that happens anytime you get a group of people with similar goals together.  

It was around this time that I also found myself a small group.  I was at super Wal-Mart one evening and just called a friend and asked her when hers met (Tuesdays) and showed up.  I would go straight from work -- the first time I went I was wearing my blue and white skirt and black top.  I remember because I had had a horrible day at work (was one that had me crying in my closet while the kids were at specials) and not long after I got there I had a meltdown.  I confessed how alone I felt and how I was drowning and the girls were amazing -- they surrounded me with hugs and prayers.

In hindsight I realize that's why I stayed with the church -- it wasn't the leaders or the sermons or anything other than the people, the friends I made there.  The church has many issues, but there were some seemingly amazing people who went there, and they made me feel like I was loved and belonged.  At the end of the day I think that's what we all are looking for, people to love us and a place to belong, and when we find that, we are often willing to overlook other details to keep it.  The most common manifestation of this is relationships, I think, but it obviously happens in other areas too.  Oh well -- I'm just glad I never drank the Kool-Aid.