In which we learn I am a prostitute

It was a bit after Valentine's Day that S asked his small group leader for permission to date me and was promptly told no by Geno (the youth pastor).  The reasoning was that while I was great, S didn't demonstrate enough fruit to be in a relationship.  I was flabbergasted when S shared that with me -- if he wasn't demonstrating enough fruit, why would he be in Pipeline?  I thought that made about zero sense.  

So, authority.  Do I have a problem with it?  No... as long as I understand it.  My mom never had any issues with me -- I never once had a curfew, and the only times she told me not to do something is when I said, "Mom, so-and-so wants me to do this, but I don't want to do it, would you please tell me I can't?" Other than that, I was never told no and basically did what I wanted as long as I can remember.  I never had any problems in school, never had detention or suspension or anything of the sort.  The only problem I had was when they changed the dress code and said your shirt had to cover your back when you were sitting down.  I was in class and leaning forward to help the person in front of me and my back showed so I got sent to the office.  I was livid -- of course my back showed!  I was leaning forward!  I was so mad about it that I literally pitched a fit and insisted on being transferred to another class.  I ended up in drama, which was the first public speaking I ever had to do and it turned out to be really good practice for my college classes.  So, it worked out.

I did have a problem with Geno saying we couldn't officially come out as a couple.  I told S this, and we agreed to keep it on the dl. So, we only hung out late at night when no one would notice, and after like a week of that we were having sex.  Who was surprised?  Juanita!  She really tried to talk me out of it and then tried to shame me.  Neither worked.  

So, after a bit S decides he feels guilty and wants to tell Geno and our small group leaders "for accountability".  I disagreed with him and said no, let's just not hang out.  S didn't listen and went to Geno when I was literally begging him not to.  This came at a time when my small group leader had transitioned from Roe to another girl who, out of respect for her privacy, I will not name.  We will call her Z.  Anyway, Z was really supportive... until she talked to Roe.  Geno and Roe called an emergency meeting, which S actually did give me a heads up to before Z could call me.  At this point I am in tears and feel like my whole world is coming apart, and I am terrified to go to this meeting.  So, I called Natasha (who if you will recall I had severed ties with a few months before).  When Z called I didn't answer the first time because I was heading over to Natasha's in tears; however, I eventually did answer Z, who told me about the meeting.  It would be that night at 10:00PM.  

So, I arrived to Natasha's house and tell her everything.  I don't remember much about the conversation as far as what was said, only that I felt horrible.  If my memory is correct, she tried to talk me out of going.  I did go, though, and it was far, far worse than I expected.

When I arrived there, we went up to Geno's office wherein I learned who would be attending -- S, his small group leader Geno, Roe, Z, and yours truly.  At first they played some worship songs, and I sat there wishing I could be anywhere else.  I don't remember how many songs were played, I just remember going from wishing I was anywhere else to accepting that I was there and deciding I needed a game plan.  I don't remember much about said plan, except I decided I would count to 10 or 20 (I don't remember which) before I responded to anyone who talked to me directly.  I did this so I wouldn't say anything I might regret and so I would look like I was seriously listening to what everyone said.  

Finally Geno does a recap of what he knows.  Then he asked if I was a virgin before this, and honestly I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.  I am by no means promiscuous -- never have been.  I am still proud to say I can easily count my number with my own digits, thank you very much, and I know what almost all of them are doing now.  That being said, I lost my virginity fairly young, and had lived with Jon, so virgin I was not.  I did my think time and quietly said no.  Anyway, it was a two-hour meeting, during which nothing was directly said to S and Geno told me multiple times I'm a prostitute, I'm deceptive, rebellious, etc.  At one point he actually said I'm worse than a prostitute because I didn't get monetary gain from it, while he did that little finger snap where people hit their index finger and middle finger together.  Stupid memory -- can't get that out of my mind.  Geno said how we would still be having sex it wasn't for them, which is kinda crazy because who told them? Anyway, at the end of the meeting he actually told me not to feel bad, that this happened all the time, and then I was told not to tell anyone, specifically that girl Jessica from my small group.  I've often wondered why they said not to tell her specifically since we weren't really friends, but I will never know.  They then told us not to talk to each other until May 1st.  We agreed and were given some time to talk before going our separate ways.  I don't remember what we said to each other other than that he suggested us writing journals to each other and switching discreetly at church weekly so we could still have communication.  We did this a few weeks before we ended up talking.  He was the one who broke it -- when I later reread the email he sent and the texts, it was clear he sent it because he thought I was talking to other guys.  At the time I thought he just missed me.  Oh how delusional I was!  

Anyway, we start seeing each other again, only it's different.  He talked about marriage constantly and would tell me if I didn't want to be a prostitute, we had to get married.  At first I told him that was ridiculous, but slowly I started seeing what he meant.  Then things started to change -- first he wouldn't touch me (i.e., hold my hand), and then he wouldn't even see me.  A little after my birthday he made an exception and we went to Disney together (I had an annual pass and he got one of the Florida resident four-day specials).  The whole day he wouldn't hold my hand, saying we couldn't do that until we were married.  Anyway, he gave me a necklace as a present on the boardwalk between Epcot and MGM and then asked me to marry him.  I said yes, at which time we hugged and he held my hand.  We had a great rest of the day until the ride home when I said I didn't want people to know.  It led to a HUGE fight wherein I am literally driving down the road and we are screaming at each other. 

At this point I'm going to pause and share something about myself for any random readers I may have -- I don't scream and rarely get angry.  As a matter of fact, there are exactly three people in the whole world who can make me angry enough to yell: my sister, mom, and cousin.  Even if I get mad at other family members, friends, etc. it lasts about two minutes before it's over.  To further prove my point, consider the fact I have been teaching kindergarten for four years and know how many times I've raised my voice with my class?  Exactly once.  My first year.  I can tell you exactly what all my students were doing and where I was standing and what I said because I haven't forgiven myself.  Administrators have commented on my ability to create such a wonderful learning environment with my quiet voice and how soft spoken I am.  I'm not saying I don't get mad because everyone does, but even when I do get mad it's gone as quickly as it comes.  

So, in hindsight I have no idea why I stayed with him.  The drive ended with him saying he needed the ring back and I could only have it when I was serious.  As I reflect on everything, it was all just a big game and I played the part perfectly.  I reacted to everything that he did exactly as he expected me to.  We ended up eloping on a Friday at the end of April.  Do I remember which Friday?  No.  When did I realize it was a mistake?  Not even twenty-four hours later.  It's interesting because between the time he asked me to marry him and us eloping it, we spent every single day fighting.  I was literally in tears everyday saying I wasn't ready to be married to him and I wanted us to go back to just dating.  He kept telling me over and over again that he didn't believe in dating and it was either all or nothing.  I can't tell you why I did it -- my sister says I wanted to prove everyone at First Assembly wrong and while I'm sure there's something to do it, I just can't understand my actions.  I knew it was a mistake.  I kid you not -- even at the court house I knew I shouldn't be doing it.  Yet I did it.  I think maybe that's always been part of my struggle to move on, as I don't know how to forgive myself.  Even now I'm wearing of my choices and decisions.  My sister has always said I make great decisions... unless guys are involved.  Then my sense goes out the window.  I guess nothing shows that better than my mistakes here.

The thing about all my previous mistakes and most mistakes in general is that I make them, say "oops -- my bad" and it's over.  Unfortunately, not so much the case here.