It was a bit after Valentine's Day that S asked his small group leader for permission to date me and was promptly told no by Geno (the youth pastor). The reasoning was that while I was great, S didn't demonstrate enough fruit to be in a relationship. I was flabbergasted when S shared that with me -- if he wasn't demonstrating enough fruit, why would he be in Pipeline? I thought that made about zero sense.
So, authority. Do I have a problem with it? No... as long as I understand it. My mom never had any issues with me -- I never once had a curfew, and the only times she told me not to do something is when I said, "Mom, so-and-so wants me to do this, but I don't want to do it, would you please tell me I can't?" Other than that, I was never told no and basically did what I wanted as long as I can remember. I never had any problems in school, never had detention or suspension or anything of the sort. The only problem I had was when they changed the dress code and said your shirt had to cover your back when you were sitting down. I was in class and leaning forward to help the person in front of me and my back showed so I got sent to the office. I was livid -- of course my back showed! I was leaning forward! I was so mad about it that I literally pitched a fit and insisted on being transferred to another class. I ended up in drama, which was the first public speaking I ever had to do and it turned out to be really good practice for my college classes. So, it worked out.
I did have a problem with Geno saying we couldn't officially come out as a couple. I told S this, and we agreed to keep it on the dl. So, we only hung out late at night when no one would notice, and after like a week of that we were having sex. Who was surprised? Juanita! She really tried to talk me out of it and then tried to shame me. Neither worked.
So, after a bit S decides he feels guilty and wants to tell Geno and our small group leaders "for accountability". I disagreed with him and said no, let's just not hang out. S didn't listen and went to Geno when I was literally begging him not to. This came at a time when my small group leader had transitioned
from Roe to another girl who, out of respect for her privacy, I will
not name. We will call her Z. Anyway, Z was really supportive...
until she talked to Roe. Geno and Roe called an emergency
meeting, which S actually did give me a heads up to before Z could call me.
At this point I am in tears and feel like my whole world is coming apart, and I am terrified to go to this meeting. So, I called Natasha (who if you will recall I had severed ties with a few months before). When Z called I didn't answer the first time because I was heading over
to Natasha's in tears; however, I eventually did answer Z, who told me about the meeting. It would be that night at 10:00PM.
So, I arrived to Natasha's house and tell her everything. I don't remember much about the conversation as far as what was said, only that I felt horrible. If my memory is correct, she tried to talk me out of going. I did go, though, and it was far, far worse than I expected.
When I arrived there, we went up to Geno's office wherein I learned who would be attending -- S, his small group leader Geno,
Roe, Z, and yours truly. At first they played some worship songs, and I sat there wishing I could be anywhere else. I don't remember how many songs were played, I just remember going from wishing I was anywhere else to accepting that I was there and deciding I needed a game plan. I don't remember much about said plan, except I decided I would count to 10 or 20 (I don't remember which) before I responded to anyone who talked to me directly. I did this so I wouldn't say anything I might regret and so I would look like I was seriously listening to what everyone said.
Finally Geno does a recap of what he knows. Then he asked if I was a virgin before this, and honestly I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. I am by no means promiscuous -- never have been. I am still proud to say I can easily count my number with my own digits, thank you very much, and I know what almost all of them are doing now. That being said, I lost my virginity fairly young, and had lived with Jon, so virgin I was not. I did my think time and quietly said no. Anyway, it was a two-hour meeting, during
which nothing was directly said to S and Geno told me multiple times I'm a prostitute, I'm deceptive,
rebellious, etc. At one point he actually said I'm worse than a prostitute because I
didn't get monetary gain from it, while he did that little finger snap where people hit their index finger and middle finger together. Stupid memory -- can't get that out of my mind. Geno said how we would still be having
sex it wasn't for them, which is kinda crazy because who told them? Anyway, at the end of the meeting he
actually told me not to feel bad, that this happened all the time, and then I was told not to tell anyone, specifically that girl Jessica from my small group. I've often wondered why they said not to tell her specifically since we weren't really friends, but I will never know. They then told us not to talk to each other until May 1st. We agreed and were given some time to talk before going our separate ways. I don't remember what we said to each other other than that he suggested us writing journals to each other and switching discreetly at church weekly so we could still have communication. We did this a few weeks before we ended up talking. He was the one who broke it -- when I later reread the email he sent and the texts, it was clear he sent it because he thought I was talking to other guys. At the time I thought he just missed me. Oh how delusional I was!
Anyway, we start seeing each other again, only it's different. He talked about marriage constantly and would tell me if I didn't want to be a prostitute, we had to get married. At first I told him that was ridiculous, but slowly I started seeing what he meant. Then things started to change -- first he wouldn't touch me (i.e., hold my hand), and then he wouldn't even see me. A little after my birthday he made an exception and we went to Disney together (I had an annual pass and he got one of the Florida resident four-day specials). The whole day he wouldn't hold my hand, saying we couldn't do that until we were married. Anyway, he gave me a necklace as a present on the boardwalk between Epcot and MGM and then asked me to marry him. I said yes, at which time we hugged and he held my hand. We had a great rest of the day until the ride home when I said I didn't want people to know. It led to a HUGE fight wherein I am literally driving down the road and we are screaming at each other.
At this point I'm going to pause and share something about myself for any random readers I may have -- I don't scream and rarely get angry. As a matter of fact, there are exactly three people in the whole world who can make me angry enough to yell: my sister, mom, and cousin. Even if I get mad at other family members, friends, etc. it lasts about two minutes before it's over. To further prove my point, consider the fact I have been teaching kindergarten for four years and know how many times I've raised my voice with my class? Exactly once. My first year. I can tell you exactly what all my students were doing and where I was standing and what I said because I haven't forgiven myself. Administrators have commented on my ability to create such a wonderful learning environment with my quiet voice and how soft spoken I am. I'm not saying I don't get mad because everyone does, but even when I do get mad it's gone as quickly as it comes.
So, in hindsight I have no idea why I stayed with him. The drive ended with him saying he needed the ring back and I could only have it when I was serious. As I reflect on everything, it was all just a big game and I played the part perfectly. I reacted to everything that he did exactly as he expected me to. We ended up eloping on a Friday at the end of April. Do I remember which Friday? No. When did I realize it was a mistake? Not even twenty-four hours later. It's interesting because between the time he asked me to marry him and us eloping it, we spent every single day fighting. I was literally in tears everyday saying I wasn't ready to be married to him and I wanted us to go back to just dating. He kept telling me over and over again that he didn't believe in dating and it was either all or nothing. I can't tell you why I did it -- my sister says I wanted to prove everyone at First Assembly wrong and while I'm sure there's something to do it, I just can't understand my actions. I knew it was a mistake. I kid you not -- even at the court house I knew I shouldn't be doing it. Yet I did it. I think maybe that's always been part of my struggle to move on, as I don't know how to forgive myself. Even now I'm wearing of my choices and decisions. My sister has always said I make great decisions... unless guys are involved. Then my sense goes out the window. I guess nothing shows that better than my mistakes here.
The thing about all my previous mistakes and most mistakes in general is that I make them, say "oops -- my bad" and it's over. Unfortunately, not so much the case here.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
So, Pipeline begins. It met on Sundays around 5ish and was really fun. I learned a lot and definitely experienced a good bit of personal growth. There was another girl from my small
group (we will call her Jessica) in Pipeline and since she didn't have a car, I offered to pick her up. This action actually led to a small car pool, which
in hindsight wasn't a very fair carpool because it was always me
driving. I lived off 13th and University and everyone else lived
around Archer/34th. The church was off 39th, so quite out of my way.
As I'm sitting here now, I realize not only was it not fair in regards to
me always driving, but not one person ever offered to give me gas
money. I think maybe I was brainwashed because how else can you explain
me doing all that driving? I hate driving. Like seriously. Unless
I am on a back country road, windows down, radio blaring, with no one around, I find it to be completely
stressful. I hate how big trucks and semis come up behind me and act
like they are going to run me over. I hate how other drivers talk and text on their phones. I hate people cutting me off and that if I drive at what I consider a reasonable distance from the car in front of me, I always get cut off. I am also borderline terrified of
getting on the interstate -- I am always convinced the cars are not
going to let me over. Know where this irrational fear of
driving comes from? My mom. She's currently visiting us for her birthday and had
to take her car to the shop to have some work done. When I picked her
up, she started talking about all the traffic this morning and how a
semi almost ran her over, and it became crystal clear I get this from my
mom. It's a good lesson that I can't share my fears with my kids (yes, I
only have one now, but I have high hopes to one day have more).
In addition to my other driving-related idiosyncrasies, I also have some gender stereotypes in regards to driving. I believe a guy should always do the driving, even if it means giving them my car keys. The obvious jump here is that I must think men are better drivers; however, I don't think that's right? I guess it could be. I dunno. I will have to give it some thought. Either way, I always think someone other than myself should be driving and when there's a man around he's the one who should be doing it.
Anyway, back on topic, as it turned out, S was one of the people in the carpool and the way it worked out he was the last one I would drop off (this was not intentional -- it just worked out because of the layout). We begin growing closer from that. I don't know that anyone realized we were talking -- First Assembly doesn't support dating. In their eyes if you're interested in someone, you pray about it and tell your small group leaders. I thought that was a precaution to discourage sex, and while I found it odd, it seemed so small and meaningless. S and I actually discussed it at some point and I learned he didn't believe in dating at all -- he basically thought it was pointless. It's another thing in hindsight seems weird, but it was yet another thing I overlooked at the time.
In addition to my other driving-related idiosyncrasies, I also have some gender stereotypes in regards to driving. I believe a guy should always do the driving, even if it means giving them my car keys. The obvious jump here is that I must think men are better drivers; however, I don't think that's right? I guess it could be. I dunno. I will have to give it some thought. Either way, I always think someone other than myself should be driving and when there's a man around he's the one who should be doing it.
Anyway, back on topic, as it turned out, S was one of the people in the carpool and the way it worked out he was the last one I would drop off (this was not intentional -- it just worked out because of the layout). We begin growing closer from that. I don't know that anyone realized we were talking -- First Assembly doesn't support dating. In their eyes if you're interested in someone, you pray about it and tell your small group leaders. I thought that was a precaution to discourage sex, and while I found it odd, it seemed so small and meaningless. S and I actually discussed it at some point and I learned he didn't believe in dating at all -- he basically thought it was pointless. It's another thing in hindsight seems weird, but it was yet another thing I overlooked at the time.
January flew by. Work-wise it was nice because after
Christmas vacation I was able to see a huge amount of growth in all my kids. I also started getting
compliments on how well behaved they were when they were in other
places, such as art, music, library, etc. There were numerous four-day
weeks due to MLK Day, teacher workdays, and things of the like, so before
I knew it February approached. What is in February? Valentines Day.
I've never been huge into the holiday. I am not
anti-valentines day by any means, but I am also not the type of person
to get upset if I don't have a date. However, many people are so to counter
it, TJM hosted something called Expressive Love. It was kinda like a
poetry reading wherein everyone was supposed to write a love story to
God and read it. I thought it was a little strange and decided it was
kinda silly to write a love story to God; however, since I was in Pipeline I felt like I had to participate. So, I started thinking about
love, which inevitably led to I Corinthians 13 because let's face it --
there's a reason all weddings reference it. I then created my writing. I actually still have it, so copied and pasted it:
------
I was thinking about the
term “expressive love” and at first thought I should express my love; however,
I already know how I feel and how much I love the Lord. That got me thinking about the fact
that, at times, I don’t know how other people and ultimately God feel about
me. I can say things like “Oh, He
loved me enough to die for me,” but sometimes I don’t recognize how he loves me. In the process of all these thoughts, I
kept going back to the verses most often associated with love – I
Corinthians. So, I look at what
Paul wrote about love and how God demonstrates each of the many attributes
individually. Kind of like how
before you complete a puzzle you have to look at each individual piece and then
once you put them together you have the whole picture.
Love is Patient: How often does God wait
on me? I’m ashamed to say the
number is probably too high to count.
The crazy thing about it is that no matter how long it takes me to do something,
he’s always there… patiently waiting.
Love is Kind: Not only does he give us life, but he goes on to continually show us
kindness. He molded us, can count
the number of hairs on our heads, loves us, and desires a relationship with
us. I think I John describes His
kindness really well when it talks about the fact there is no fear in
love. Perfect love drives out fear
because fear has to do with punishment.
I deserve to be punished, instead he shows me kindness.
Love does not envy: I’m not sure I even need to justify this – being
envious is a sin and we all know God is perfect and without sin.
Love does not boast: While Jesus was living among us he was raising
people from the dead, driving out demons, healing, etc. Know what he wasn’t doing? Boasting.
Love is not proud: Pride is something we all struggle with… expect
God. The irony is that we, as
humans, really have nothing to be proud of, whereas God, the creator of the
entire universe, has every reason to be.
Love is not rude: We’re all sinners and deserve to be called out on it; however,
throughout the bible we find inspiring scripture. It’s truly remarkable.
Love is not self-serving: I think the greatest evidence that God isn’t
self-seeking is found in the fact He came to earth as a man and proceeded to
die for me.
Love is not easily angered: Nahum 3:1 tell us “The Lord is slow to anger.” It’s crazy to think of all the
times I’ve got angry over simple things, such as people cutting me off or a
comment someone made. However, all
that stuff is insignificant to God and doesn’t anger him.
Love keeps no records of wrongs: As far as the east is from the west, so far has He
removed our sins from us.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the
truth. For me, this is truly amazing. Whenever I admit the truth to Him,
regardless of how awful I think it is, He’s happy, comforts me, and gives me a peace
nothing else can compare to.
Love always protects: II Timothy 4:18: “The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me
safely into His heavenly kingdom.”
Enough said.
Love always trusts: This is something I struggled with a lot: how could
God trust me? Then he showed me
something remarkable – he is trusting us all with something very close to his
heart: each other.
Love always hopes: Although in our society we think of hope as wishful
thinking, the biblical definition is closer to “confident expectations.” God clearly hopes we will succeed
otherwise he would not have given us the great commission.
Love always preserves: Psalm 119:40 says it all: “your promise preserves my
life.”
Love never fails: Ultimately God is love and I’ve read Revelations so I know the ending
to the story… and God doesn’t fail.
-----
I haven't read that in years. Probably since I wrote it. As I read it I realized I used to be a better writer than I am. I also realized I used to be a better Christian. Know the last time I read my Bible? Yeah, me neither. First Assembly really turned me off being a Christian. I still know God exists and if I die I know where I am going, but it's different now. I am definitely a different person, which will be easy to understand as I get closer to the climax of my story... which is likely the next post!
A few notes -- it amused me that I referenced driving earlier in this blog post and I also referenced it in my expressive love writing. That shows how much I hate driving, I guess.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
In which I almost leave First Assembly
I am not sure how to proceed. Up until this point I've had a somewhat clear formatting in my mind, but now it's jumbled together. Since it's been so long I'm also unsure of the dates and when exactly things happened. I am going to do my best...
School got better. It was still really hard and most days I was there until 5-7, but it definitely got easier. I was able to handle it all and my students were making growth. My first teacher observation was sometime in the October range. It was in reading and I wasn't really nervous. I have always suspected I have UF to thank for that -- we are observed so often that it feels natural. Anyway, during my observation one little Hispanic girl spent the entire time playing with her hair. I handled it like I normally would -- refocus without interfering with the classroom -- and was convinced I was going to be fired for not having control of my class. I dreaded meeting with my principal out of fear what she was going to say; however, it was in vain and the meeting actually taught me one of the most important lessons I've ever learned. As we were going over everything she did bring up the little girl and complimented me on how I handled the situation. She told me something along the lines of "as a teacher, you cannot control the actions of your students, you can only control how you react to it." She then went onto say that there was no way I could physically control her, but I did an excellent job of maintaining instructional momentum while also attempting to redirect her.
During the same time is when I really started talking to S (my sister told me I need to not use his real name anymore). Anyway, I don't remember the exact date, but it was at Big Group. Big Group was a once a month meeting, usually the first Thursday (?) of the month. Anyway, that corresponded with the day I baked with my class, so for that big group I had some leftover pumpkin bread to share. I ended up sharing with him and we had our first conversations. From there things escalated and I learned we had a lot in common -- our parents had similar jobs, growing up we were both poor, dad issues as kids, etc. It was amazing having someone to relate with and so nice. We actually went to one park one day and just talked for hours about our similarities. Was so nice... at the time. In hindsight I should have suspected something was up.
The entire time I attended First Assembly the leaders would make well placed comments about the importance of having godly friends closest to you. Eventually they were more direct -- my sister and best friend (natasha) were clearly not in this category in their eyes (the irony is my sister is a Christian -- she just thought they were odd and didn't go there). My rebuttal was always short and sweet -- how can we witness to others and develop a relationship with them if we aren't their friends? However, eventually what they were saying did start to soak in and create a perfect storm that ended my friendship with Natasha. It's another event that I don't remember the dates of, but was after her birthday in November, but I don't think by much time. I wrote her a facebook message that was super long letting her know we were no longer friends.
Anyway, Christmas came and went and I was supposed to go with the church to the International House of Prayer for some big revival. I had payed and then we got email with the agenda over the break and I learned the topic was going to be revelations. First Assembly added an asterisk that went something like "we recognize when it comes to revelations people have varying beliefs, but for the purpose of this conference, we will all be adopting the beliefs of the House of Prayer."
This is where I got concerned -- I have never been one who allows others to tell me what to think about anything, especially in regards to religion. I have my own ideas of right and wrong and I stick with what I think. Interestingly enough, I suspect my personality and demeanor had a lot to do with the reason they thought I would be placid and easy to control. If you watch me interact with my close friends I come across as quite submissive. On top of that, I am a people pleaser and always put the needs of those around me above my own. However, it's not like I get nothing out of it. It truly does make me feel happy to know the people around me are happy. I literally get more joy out of someone else being happy than just myself being happy. I know it sounds weird, but it's always been true.
This is going to be a bit of an indirect way to prove that point, but it's the first example that comes to mind -- in high school most of cedar key drank and did drugs and I was never interested in that route for a few reasons. First of all, I grew up with an alcoholic as a dad and secondly, beer is gross. Really, it is. People say it's an acquired taste and I have no doubt about that, but the thing that I've never understood is why people want to acquire the taste of something so disguising. I am sure things like Brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and cockroaches are all acquired tastes too, but I'm also not going to eat any of those things enough to enjoy it either. So, anyway, I stayed home and played an online game called Everquest. Back then I stayed up super late and would play with a group of attorneys out of California. Anyway, they all liked me and would keep a spot in their group for me if I wasn't on when they logged in... except for one. He was never very nice to me and I didn't know why. Three years later we were all guilded together and I gained the courage to ask him. He told me that he always suspected I had ulterior motives because he didn't think anyone could possibly be as nice as I am. It took him years to realize that's just who I am not and not some front.
Anyway, what's kind of funny is something else everyone who has spent any time with me should know is that no one controls me but me. Case in point -- the fall I was pregnant some friends from college came to town. We were all eating Sunday at Cracker Barrel (we can add barrel to the list of words I can't spell) and I was retelling the story to them and one of them was like "well, we could have told these people no one controls you. Look at all the times we partied freshmen year and you never once drank with us. Peer pressure has no affect on you -- you're your own person." That's a really accurate description of me. I've never aspired to be "cool" or had the insane need to make people like me. Don't get me wrong -- I want people to like me; however, I've always really liked myself and kinda figured if I think I'm a great person everyone else will too. If not, their loss. That's not to say it doesn't bother me if someone doesn't like me, because it honestly does. However, I'm not going to do things with the sole intention of making them like me.
Anyway, I really struggled with going on the trip and even continuing at First Assembly. I read over what we were supposed to believe about Revelations and most of it lined up with my views. The thing is, not everything did. Revelations was one of the first books I really studied and on top of that one of my uncles is a huge Revelations buff, so I cannot tell you how many conversations we've had about it. He was actually in Cedar Key that Christmas and I talked to him a lot about if I should go. In the end I decided not to. I think this is important because had I gone, I don't think S and I would have ever became anything.
Anyway, I didn't go and was torn about my future with First Assembly. However, when break was over and I was driving back to Gainesville, my small group leader called to ask if I would be interested in doing something called Pipeline, which is essentially a bible study for people they want to prep to be leaders in the church. I was really excited and it made me feel good to be chosen to attend Pipeline, so I said yes and pushed aside all my fears and concerns regarding First Assembly. Hindsight is soooo clear... should've said no!
School got better. It was still really hard and most days I was there until 5-7, but it definitely got easier. I was able to handle it all and my students were making growth. My first teacher observation was sometime in the October range. It was in reading and I wasn't really nervous. I have always suspected I have UF to thank for that -- we are observed so often that it feels natural. Anyway, during my observation one little Hispanic girl spent the entire time playing with her hair. I handled it like I normally would -- refocus without interfering with the classroom -- and was convinced I was going to be fired for not having control of my class. I dreaded meeting with my principal out of fear what she was going to say; however, it was in vain and the meeting actually taught me one of the most important lessons I've ever learned. As we were going over everything she did bring up the little girl and complimented me on how I handled the situation. She told me something along the lines of "as a teacher, you cannot control the actions of your students, you can only control how you react to it." She then went onto say that there was no way I could physically control her, but I did an excellent job of maintaining instructional momentum while also attempting to redirect her.
During the same time is when I really started talking to S (my sister told me I need to not use his real name anymore). Anyway, I don't remember the exact date, but it was at Big Group. Big Group was a once a month meeting, usually the first Thursday (?) of the month. Anyway, that corresponded with the day I baked with my class, so for that big group I had some leftover pumpkin bread to share. I ended up sharing with him and we had our first conversations. From there things escalated and I learned we had a lot in common -- our parents had similar jobs, growing up we were both poor, dad issues as kids, etc. It was amazing having someone to relate with and so nice. We actually went to one park one day and just talked for hours about our similarities. Was so nice... at the time. In hindsight I should have suspected something was up.
The entire time I attended First Assembly the leaders would make well placed comments about the importance of having godly friends closest to you. Eventually they were more direct -- my sister and best friend (natasha) were clearly not in this category in their eyes (the irony is my sister is a Christian -- she just thought they were odd and didn't go there). My rebuttal was always short and sweet -- how can we witness to others and develop a relationship with them if we aren't their friends? However, eventually what they were saying did start to soak in and create a perfect storm that ended my friendship with Natasha. It's another event that I don't remember the dates of, but was after her birthday in November, but I don't think by much time. I wrote her a facebook message that was super long letting her know we were no longer friends.
Anyway, Christmas came and went and I was supposed to go with the church to the International House of Prayer for some big revival. I had payed and then we got email with the agenda over the break and I learned the topic was going to be revelations. First Assembly added an asterisk that went something like "we recognize when it comes to revelations people have varying beliefs, but for the purpose of this conference, we will all be adopting the beliefs of the House of Prayer."
This is where I got concerned -- I have never been one who allows others to tell me what to think about anything, especially in regards to religion. I have my own ideas of right and wrong and I stick with what I think. Interestingly enough, I suspect my personality and demeanor had a lot to do with the reason they thought I would be placid and easy to control. If you watch me interact with my close friends I come across as quite submissive. On top of that, I am a people pleaser and always put the needs of those around me above my own. However, it's not like I get nothing out of it. It truly does make me feel happy to know the people around me are happy. I literally get more joy out of someone else being happy than just myself being happy. I know it sounds weird, but it's always been true.
This is going to be a bit of an indirect way to prove that point, but it's the first example that comes to mind -- in high school most of cedar key drank and did drugs and I was never interested in that route for a few reasons. First of all, I grew up with an alcoholic as a dad and secondly, beer is gross. Really, it is. People say it's an acquired taste and I have no doubt about that, but the thing that I've never understood is why people want to acquire the taste of something so disguising. I am sure things like Brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and cockroaches are all acquired tastes too, but I'm also not going to eat any of those things enough to enjoy it either. So, anyway, I stayed home and played an online game called Everquest. Back then I stayed up super late and would play with a group of attorneys out of California. Anyway, they all liked me and would keep a spot in their group for me if I wasn't on when they logged in... except for one. He was never very nice to me and I didn't know why. Three years later we were all guilded together and I gained the courage to ask him. He told me that he always suspected I had ulterior motives because he didn't think anyone could possibly be as nice as I am. It took him years to realize that's just who I am not and not some front.
Anyway, what's kind of funny is something else everyone who has spent any time with me should know is that no one controls me but me. Case in point -- the fall I was pregnant some friends from college came to town. We were all eating Sunday at Cracker Barrel (we can add barrel to the list of words I can't spell) and I was retelling the story to them and one of them was like "well, we could have told these people no one controls you. Look at all the times we partied freshmen year and you never once drank with us. Peer pressure has no affect on you -- you're your own person." That's a really accurate description of me. I've never aspired to be "cool" or had the insane need to make people like me. Don't get me wrong -- I want people to like me; however, I've always really liked myself and kinda figured if I think I'm a great person everyone else will too. If not, their loss. That's not to say it doesn't bother me if someone doesn't like me, because it honestly does. However, I'm not going to do things with the sole intention of making them like me.
Anyway, I really struggled with going on the trip and even continuing at First Assembly. I read over what we were supposed to believe about Revelations and most of it lined up with my views. The thing is, not everything did. Revelations was one of the first books I really studied and on top of that one of my uncles is a huge Revelations buff, so I cannot tell you how many conversations we've had about it. He was actually in Cedar Key that Christmas and I talked to him a lot about if I should go. In the end I decided not to. I think this is important because had I gone, I don't think S and I would have ever became anything.
Anyway, I didn't go and was torn about my future with First Assembly. However, when break was over and I was driving back to Gainesville, my small group leader called to ask if I would be interested in doing something called Pipeline, which is essentially a bible study for people they want to prep to be leaders in the church. I was really excited and it made me feel good to be chosen to attend Pipeline, so I said yes and pushed aside all my fears and concerns regarding First Assembly. Hindsight is soooo clear... should've said no!
In which we go to breakthrough
Disclaimer: I've already taken out my contacts for the night and lost my glasses weeks ago. I therefore am actually writing this without the ability to see it. I may reread it before I post it -- will depend on how tired I get between now and then and how close I have to get to the screen to read it. I am expecting this post to be a long one, but am not sure what I'm going to write at the same time so we will see.
First off, I actually want to say how amazed and humbled I am by the sheer number of people who read this blog. When I started it I just wanted to sort out my feelings of the whole knocked-up, kinda married but not really since we never lived together (I mean seriously -- I have to tell people we were married when I never even lived with the guy!? I was closer to being married to Jon, yet I never feel like a horrible person for saying I lived with him), divorced, joined a cult thing. I have worked out most of my issues now -- writing really is therapy. I think I only write when I am feeling particularly down and thanks to the wedding pictures that's where I am. I have no feelings for Gale -- I haven't even talked to him in two Christmases, so how did it affect me so? I don't understand. My only thoughts are it's not exactly the situation that upset me, so much as real closure on what might have been. On a positive note, I have been better since my earlier post. My sister also deleted him, so that's good! I don't think I would ever log into her account to look at his pictures again -- I've never really been into the whole inflicting pain on myself thing. However, now I don't have to worry about it. Well, actually if I'm being honest Jared is still his friend and Jared would let me look. However, I would also feel like a total stalker asking, so it's not going to happen.
Anyway, after a few weeks two more kindergarten teachers were hired and that really helped take the load off me. The boy who was so volatile was moved, along with the girl who mimicked everything, so that made a huge difference in my classroom. They did take one boy who was super sweet and had the best manners, which I was bummed about, but it happens. He actually saw me a few weeks later and asked why I didn't want him. When I inquired as to what made him think that, he told me that his mom told him that he was moved out of my classroom because I did not want him there. I was so livid at his mom -- why would she think that, let alone tell her five year old? Some people have no sense.
In many ways having the boy with the behavior problems transferred made me feel inadequate as a teacher. I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to control him. Of the two new teachers hired, one was a newbie like me and the other had experience, so he was placed with the teacher who had experience. He actually had to be transferred out of her classroom as well, which made me feel better. As I type this, I realize those feelings of inadequacy relating to him being transferred out have stayed with me until recently. Last year there was a little boy in another teacher's class who was on par with the boy I had the first year. He ended up being transferred to a school that specializes in dealing with behavior problems, but before he left I was the only teacher he would really respond to. That made me feel pretty good. I'm not saying I was perfect by any means -- he listened to me like 10% of the time. However, it made me feel good those times that it happened. He actually had a little brother come to our school this year and they placed him with me in case they were similar, and they were. I was able to keep him until a little bit after Christmas, but at that point he was missing school so often due to bus suspensions they decided he had to be sent to the other school. I fought so hard to keep him, but in the end it didn't work. It was really sad because the paperwork went through so quickly I didn't even get to say goodbye. I miss him, but at the same time my classroom is so different without him (positively) that I can't help but be relieved and then I feel bad about myself. So many mixed feelings! Anyway, moving on...
At my church/cult, there is one event always spoken of in reverence -- Breakthrough. I went the weekend of 09-11 (which I remember because it was my good friends birthday and I had to miss her special day!). I decided the Sunday of the deadline I wanted to go (we know how bad I am about that). I signed up and then found out Gale was going too. I think perhaps this was the first church event I went to on my own and not only because he was going to it. We ended up riding together (of course) and it actually led to one of those memories that are plain as day even now -- when we got to the church we were both getting out our bags/sleeping gear and glanced up at the same time and smiled. So innocent and sweet -- I think perhaps that is what I liked about him: he always alluded (apparently I don't know the difference between eluded and alluded. I think these two words are way too similar to have such different meanings) innocence and was crazy nice and sweet.
Anyway, when we got inside the church chairs were lined up in single file lines about six feet apart both directions with the girls on one side and the boys on the other. I went to the front center (shocker -- I know!!) and opted to sit there. When it finally started they instructed the age group of 25+ to go elsewhere and I remember being grateful I wasn't that old... hahaha so funny!!!
Anyway, one of the first things that occurred involved each participant being given a piece of paper with a ton of sins listed. We were supposed to check any we committed. There were so many! I am not perfect, but I also have a pretty clear sense of right versus wrong, so I didn't have too many crazy checks and honestly I wasn't particularly upset by any of the "sins" I had committed. While we were doing it they brought out these huge crosses to the front of the row and we were all told to nail them to the cross. I picked from and center (have you picked up on my weird center quirk yet?) and nailed it in and then returned to my seat. We then did some worship music, listened to some speakers, watched a pretty awesome skit, and then were given a partner to talk to. The partner was someone who had been through breakthrough and supposedly they had prayed to help set us up with the right matched. It turned out my group had one person who had gone through breakthrough and then another girl in it who was attending breakthrough with me. I thought it was odd that we were the only group with two, but nothing negative. However, as she spoke I learned her parents are both elders at the church and they had just convinced her to come to breakthrough the day before (even though the deadline was a few weeks prior). The girl was definitely rigged with my leader, so I didn't really get to talk. It was fine, I used the time to reflect about my classroom and what I could do to improve it. I only later learned this time is supposed to be a big deal.
Afterwards we went back to our seats and they brought the crosses back out with our papers nailed on. Since I had put mine on first, I took it off last... only the girl from my group took mine instead of hers! My heart was pounding -- how could she not remember where hers was! She was going to see all my secrets! Then when we opened them everything was gone -- supposed to show how when Jesus died he erased our sins. I'm ashamed to admit that by that point I was mostly just happy he erased my paper before she opened it.
We then did a few things before bed. The next day was more of the same, but at one point all the church leaders came and washed our feet. Felt so weird having someone touching my feet without giving me a pedicure. We were supposed to play some sports, but it rained and I was quite glad because I had not packed a sports bra. Other than that, the event was pretty uneventful. It was so built up and while I enjoyed it, it wasn't what I expected. Sure, there was great energy, but that happens anytime you get a group of people with similar goals together.
It was around this time that I also found myself a small group. I was at super Wal-Mart one evening and just called a friend and asked her when hers met (Tuesdays) and showed up. I would go straight from work -- the first time I went I was wearing my blue and white skirt and black top. I remember because I had had a horrible day at work (was one that had me crying in my closet while the kids were at specials) and not long after I got there I had a meltdown. I confessed how alone I felt and how I was drowning and the girls were amazing -- they surrounded me with hugs and prayers.
In hindsight I realize that's why I stayed with the church -- it wasn't the leaders or the sermons or anything other than the people, the friends I made there. The church has many issues, but there were some seemingly amazing people who went there, and they made me feel like I was loved and belonged. At the end of the day I think that's what we all are looking for, people to love us and a place to belong, and when we find that, we are often willing to overlook other details to keep it. The most common manifestation of this is relationships, I think, but it obviously happens in other areas too. Oh well -- I'm just glad I never drank the Kool-Aid.
First off, I actually want to say how amazed and humbled I am by the sheer number of people who read this blog. When I started it I just wanted to sort out my feelings of the whole knocked-up, kinda married but not really since we never lived together (I mean seriously -- I have to tell people we were married when I never even lived with the guy!? I was closer to being married to Jon, yet I never feel like a horrible person for saying I lived with him), divorced, joined a cult thing. I have worked out most of my issues now -- writing really is therapy. I think I only write when I am feeling particularly down and thanks to the wedding pictures that's where I am. I have no feelings for Gale -- I haven't even talked to him in two Christmases, so how did it affect me so? I don't understand. My only thoughts are it's not exactly the situation that upset me, so much as real closure on what might have been. On a positive note, I have been better since my earlier post. My sister also deleted him, so that's good! I don't think I would ever log into her account to look at his pictures again -- I've never really been into the whole inflicting pain on myself thing. However, now I don't have to worry about it. Well, actually if I'm being honest Jared is still his friend and Jared would let me look. However, I would also feel like a total stalker asking, so it's not going to happen.
Anyway, after a few weeks two more kindergarten teachers were hired and that really helped take the load off me. The boy who was so volatile was moved, along with the girl who mimicked everything, so that made a huge difference in my classroom. They did take one boy who was super sweet and had the best manners, which I was bummed about, but it happens. He actually saw me a few weeks later and asked why I didn't want him. When I inquired as to what made him think that, he told me that his mom told him that he was moved out of my classroom because I did not want him there. I was so livid at his mom -- why would she think that, let alone tell her five year old? Some people have no sense.
In many ways having the boy with the behavior problems transferred made me feel inadequate as a teacher. I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to control him. Of the two new teachers hired, one was a newbie like me and the other had experience, so he was placed with the teacher who had experience. He actually had to be transferred out of her classroom as well, which made me feel better. As I type this, I realize those feelings of inadequacy relating to him being transferred out have stayed with me until recently. Last year there was a little boy in another teacher's class who was on par with the boy I had the first year. He ended up being transferred to a school that specializes in dealing with behavior problems, but before he left I was the only teacher he would really respond to. That made me feel pretty good. I'm not saying I was perfect by any means -- he listened to me like 10% of the time. However, it made me feel good those times that it happened. He actually had a little brother come to our school this year and they placed him with me in case they were similar, and they were. I was able to keep him until a little bit after Christmas, but at that point he was missing school so often due to bus suspensions they decided he had to be sent to the other school. I fought so hard to keep him, but in the end it didn't work. It was really sad because the paperwork went through so quickly I didn't even get to say goodbye. I miss him, but at the same time my classroom is so different without him (positively) that I can't help but be relieved and then I feel bad about myself. So many mixed feelings! Anyway, moving on...
At my church/cult, there is one event always spoken of in reverence -- Breakthrough. I went the weekend of 09-11 (which I remember because it was my good friends birthday and I had to miss her special day!). I decided the Sunday of the deadline I wanted to go (we know how bad I am about that). I signed up and then found out Gale was going too. I think perhaps this was the first church event I went to on my own and not only because he was going to it. We ended up riding together (of course) and it actually led to one of those memories that are plain as day even now -- when we got to the church we were both getting out our bags/sleeping gear and glanced up at the same time and smiled. So innocent and sweet -- I think perhaps that is what I liked about him: he always alluded (apparently I don't know the difference between eluded and alluded. I think these two words are way too similar to have such different meanings) innocence and was crazy nice and sweet.
Anyway, when we got inside the church chairs were lined up in single file lines about six feet apart both directions with the girls on one side and the boys on the other. I went to the front center (shocker -- I know!!) and opted to sit there. When it finally started they instructed the age group of 25+ to go elsewhere and I remember being grateful I wasn't that old... hahaha so funny!!!
Anyway, one of the first things that occurred involved each participant being given a piece of paper with a ton of sins listed. We were supposed to check any we committed. There were so many! I am not perfect, but I also have a pretty clear sense of right versus wrong, so I didn't have too many crazy checks and honestly I wasn't particularly upset by any of the "sins" I had committed. While we were doing it they brought out these huge crosses to the front of the row and we were all told to nail them to the cross. I picked from and center (have you picked up on my weird center quirk yet?) and nailed it in and then returned to my seat. We then did some worship music, listened to some speakers, watched a pretty awesome skit, and then were given a partner to talk to. The partner was someone who had been through breakthrough and supposedly they had prayed to help set us up with the right matched. It turned out my group had one person who had gone through breakthrough and then another girl in it who was attending breakthrough with me. I thought it was odd that we were the only group with two, but nothing negative. However, as she spoke I learned her parents are both elders at the church and they had just convinced her to come to breakthrough the day before (even though the deadline was a few weeks prior). The girl was definitely rigged with my leader, so I didn't really get to talk. It was fine, I used the time to reflect about my classroom and what I could do to improve it. I only later learned this time is supposed to be a big deal.
Afterwards we went back to our seats and they brought the crosses back out with our papers nailed on. Since I had put mine on first, I took it off last... only the girl from my group took mine instead of hers! My heart was pounding -- how could she not remember where hers was! She was going to see all my secrets! Then when we opened them everything was gone -- supposed to show how when Jesus died he erased our sins. I'm ashamed to admit that by that point I was mostly just happy he erased my paper before she opened it.
We then did a few things before bed. The next day was more of the same, but at one point all the church leaders came and washed our feet. Felt so weird having someone touching my feet without giving me a pedicure. We were supposed to play some sports, but it rained and I was quite glad because I had not packed a sports bra. Other than that, the event was pretty uneventful. It was so built up and while I enjoyed it, it wasn't what I expected. Sure, there was great energy, but that happens anytime you get a group of people with similar goals together.
It was around this time that I also found myself a small group. I was at super Wal-Mart one evening and just called a friend and asked her when hers met (Tuesdays) and showed up. I would go straight from work -- the first time I went I was wearing my blue and white skirt and black top. I remember because I had had a horrible day at work (was one that had me crying in my closet while the kids were at specials) and not long after I got there I had a meltdown. I confessed how alone I felt and how I was drowning and the girls were amazing -- they surrounded me with hugs and prayers.
In hindsight I realize that's why I stayed with the church -- it wasn't the leaders or the sermons or anything other than the people, the friends I made there. The church has many issues, but there were some seemingly amazing people who went there, and they made me feel like I was loved and belonged. At the end of the day I think that's what we all are looking for, people to love us and a place to belong, and when we find that, we are often willing to overlook other details to keep it. The most common manifestation of this is relationships, I think, but it obviously happens in other areas too. Oh well -- I'm just glad I never drank the Kool-Aid.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
In which we go camping and then skip ahead four years to Gale getting married
I had such high expectations when I wrote my last post in February to continue my story; unfortunately life gets in the way. I'm just going to pick up where I left off -- August of my first year teaching and then I'm going to skip ahead to this past week. When I write again (I promise you I will write sometime Sunday or Monday -- probably Monday because mom will be here and she has told me she will keep Malachi so I can have a few hours alone. I feel moderately guilty since it's her birthday; however, I also carve time to myself so I am going to take advantage of it. I also don't think it's quite taking advantage because a.) she offered and b.) she adores Malachi so spending time with him is kinda a gift. Right? Right.)
Anyway, we were at Church one Sunday and they announced TJM (this was what the college outreach called themselves -- stands for The Jesus Movement) was doing a camping trip down to some beach that starts with a D but now I can't remember the name of. I wasn't going to go because while I absolutely love camping, I love doing it when it's chilly out and was worried I'd be too hot. I got to thinking about it and decided Gale might be going so I signed up. Turns out joke was on me because he told me he wasn't going when we were driving home (we always drove everywhere together since he lived downstairs). Anyway, the camping trip was mostly uneventful aside from the fact Gale did indeed show up later that night (he drove down with some others), so I was stoked and that's the first time S and I met.
Not much else to say about the trip -- it wasn't too hot and I had fun. We watched the sunrise over the water and I'm a huge sucker for that. I have always figured it would be a wonderful date to begin by watching the sunrise over one coast and end with watching the sunset over the other coast. However, the real reason I'm feeling the need to write have little to do with the past and more to do with the present. Gale got married last week -- I know because my sister and a few other friends are still his friend on Facebook. I swore to myself I wouldn't look at the pictures and I inevitably logged into my sisters account and did... and it was the colossal (which fyi I apparently can't spell -- had to have spell checks help!) mistake everyone told me it would be. Probably worse. It took me right back to all those years ago and me choosing S over him. I liked Gale so much and never told him. After I got engaged to S every one of our friends told me how they always thought Gale and I would end up together. I never confessed to any of them at the time I felt the same way. At the time it didn't seem like it mattered, but it changed my life. I think it was the right choice (realistically how can I ever think anything else when S gave me Malachi?), but wondering what might have been is such a killer. I think it's so hard to wonder "what if" because there are so many possibilities as opposed to what actually happens because you know how it turns out.
Anyway, as all of you know I am honest to a fault now. Sometimes I think it's a mistake -- oftentimes the truth doesn't set you free but rather is a humiliating, embarrassing thing that makes me go red in the ears (was never a huge red in the cheek girl -- always been the ears!) but it all goes back to this. If I had been honest with Gale about how I felt we may have ended up together. I wouldn't change my fate now, but I never want a repeat of it. So, I'm always honest with my feelings for other people regardless of if it's good or bad.
The girl Gale married was one of the few girls that was never nice to me. I didn't get it until they started dating -- I'm sure she always liked him and wouldn't have liked that I was with him.
So, today was a day for remembering. I always have said once I share something it's so freeing and yet again that holds true in this case. I have spent far too much time on the what if route since viewing those pictures. I think maybe I'm better now. I will let you know next time...
Anyway, we were at Church one Sunday and they announced TJM (this was what the college outreach called themselves -- stands for The Jesus Movement) was doing a camping trip down to some beach that starts with a D but now I can't remember the name of. I wasn't going to go because while I absolutely love camping, I love doing it when it's chilly out and was worried I'd be too hot. I got to thinking about it and decided Gale might be going so I signed up. Turns out joke was on me because he told me he wasn't going when we were driving home (we always drove everywhere together since he lived downstairs). Anyway, the camping trip was mostly uneventful aside from the fact Gale did indeed show up later that night (he drove down with some others), so I was stoked and that's the first time S and I met.
Not much else to say about the trip -- it wasn't too hot and I had fun. We watched the sunrise over the water and I'm a huge sucker for that. I have always figured it would be a wonderful date to begin by watching the sunrise over one coast and end with watching the sunset over the other coast. However, the real reason I'm feeling the need to write have little to do with the past and more to do with the present. Gale got married last week -- I know because my sister and a few other friends are still his friend on Facebook. I swore to myself I wouldn't look at the pictures and I inevitably logged into my sisters account and did... and it was the colossal (which fyi I apparently can't spell -- had to have spell checks help!) mistake everyone told me it would be. Probably worse. It took me right back to all those years ago and me choosing S over him. I liked Gale so much and never told him. After I got engaged to S every one of our friends told me how they always thought Gale and I would end up together. I never confessed to any of them at the time I felt the same way. At the time it didn't seem like it mattered, but it changed my life. I think it was the right choice (realistically how can I ever think anything else when S gave me Malachi?), but wondering what might have been is such a killer. I think it's so hard to wonder "what if" because there are so many possibilities as opposed to what actually happens because you know how it turns out.
Anyway, as all of you know I am honest to a fault now. Sometimes I think it's a mistake -- oftentimes the truth doesn't set you free but rather is a humiliating, embarrassing thing that makes me go red in the ears (was never a huge red in the cheek girl -- always been the ears!) but it all goes back to this. If I had been honest with Gale about how I felt we may have ended up together. I wouldn't change my fate now, but I never want a repeat of it. So, I'm always honest with my feelings for other people regardless of if it's good or bad.
The girl Gale married was one of the few girls that was never nice to me. I didn't get it until they started dating -- I'm sure she always liked him and wouldn't have liked that I was with him.
So, today was a day for remembering. I always have said once I share something it's so freeing and yet again that holds true in this case. I have spent far too much time on the what if route since viewing those pictures. I think maybe I'm better now. I will let you know next time...
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