I have been feeling the need to write without quite knowing what to say. It has been on me even more since running into a child I have rarely seen since my first year of teaching. It has literally been years since I last saw her. She was a student in my very first class and was absolutely wonderful. My entire class could be off track and she would doing exactly what she knew she was supposed to do. Seeing her made me realize how much I have changed. Change is necessary and inevitable and quite honestly so fascinating.
Describe the changes? I don't know that I can but I have this need to try. So, without further ado, here we go. (Random tidbit of knowledge about myself -- I cannot read, hear, think, or say "here we go" without it being in Peter Pan's voice and a smile creeping on my face.)
Obviously there are a plethora of superficial changes: my hair is longer, the color is completely natural, I've gained weight, etc. but there are far more important changes. Some are good but mostly they are worrisome. I will start with the fact I question motives. Well, if I am being honest I question everything, but motives are the place it hits me the hardest. The person I was when I started teaching never questioned anyone's motives and now there are few people I don't question. It shames me because I will have these thoughts that I am immediately ashamed of. I never used to be like that. I took everything at face value and never really questioned anything. I definitely learned the hard way people are not what they seem, which I think it is an important lesson, but I am not happy with the results. I wish I could have that knowledge without also having these accompanying thoughts that go along with it. It is what I find myself praying for most often -- to get rid of these thoughts I have. It's so hard to explain them. They are literally instantaneous and I immediately regret them and push them aside, but I wish they would never come at all.
Another change centers on praying. I used to spend so much time praying for the students in my class. I would wager I prayed more in one night my first year teaching than I have prayed for my class this entire year combined. I used to also fall asleep praying and wake up still praying throughout the night. Now I fall asleep thinking/worrying/whatever but definitely not praying. The problem seems to be I have difficulties separating praying from First Assembly. Even now typing about it my eyes swell up with tears. I've heard it said (I think by John Green) that unfortunately the mark humans most often leave behind are scars and I think that's the case here. I have forgiven everyone involved with First Assembly, but it still hurts. I think that's a mistake people make -- thinking that because something still hurts it means they haven't got over it. The fact of the matter is the brain is a tricky thing. We can forgive but we cannot forget. Not really. The thought is always there, waiting to take us by surprise when we least expect it. What a luxury forgetting would be!
Another change is that I used to know what kind of person I was and now I am not too sure. I don't think I could even accurately choose adjectives to describe myself. I do wonder what it is about me that attracts controlling individuals and/or that makes people think I would be easily controlled. Because that has been a theme throughout my life -- people thinking I am easily controlled and that they can "put me in my place" so to speak. I guess it's similar to how kindness is so often mistaken for flirtation... my niceness is mistaken for being a pushover. But the weird thing is I have never been easily controlled. I am sure I mentioned this in my blog before, but when everything happened and I finally started sharing it with people, some of my friends from college were in shock. They mentioned how regardless of the situation I am in, I never succumb to peer pressure and always do what I think is right. I think that's still true, but why don't the controlling people see that? Would make my life much easier.
I just had the realization that the hardest part of my journey has nothing to do with anyone else in the world other than myself. What has always been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with isn't what happened with the church (people are people) or S (let's be real -- I didn't know him at all), but rather accept where my life had taken me. I never wanted to be a single mom: my dream was to get married to a wonderful man who could support me and allow me to stay at home "barefooted in the kitchen" (I mostly just say this to make my feminist friends cringe, but there's truth to it). I always wanted to teach, but at the same time I wanted to be the mom that was always around and was involved in PTA and volunteered in my child's classroom and always had cookies baking and a clean house. That's not going to happen and that's ok.
I also struggle a lot with the guilt I feel for almost aborting my Malachi. Sometimes it makes me catch my breath to think that this amazing, wonderful, delightful boy almost didn't exist by my choice. It is so scary to think of how close I was to having an abortion. I know it does no good to dwell on could have, would have, what if's, etc., but it is inevitable. The biggest problem is those feelings and thoughts don't hit when I am happy and carefree, but when I am already upset about other things, so it's like a double whammy.
