I am not sure how to proceed. Up until this point I've had a somewhat clear formatting in my mind, but now it's jumbled together. Since it's been so long I'm also unsure of the dates and when exactly things happened. I am going to do my best...
School got better. It was still really hard and most days I was there until 5-7, but it definitely got easier. I was able to handle it all and my students were making growth. My first teacher observation was sometime in the October range. It was in reading and I wasn't really nervous. I have always suspected I have UF to thank for that -- we are observed so often that it feels natural. Anyway, during my observation one little Hispanic girl spent the entire time playing with her hair. I handled it like I normally would -- refocus without interfering with the classroom -- and was convinced I was going to be fired for not having control of my class. I dreaded meeting with my principal out of fear what she was going to say; however, it was in vain and the meeting actually taught me one of the most important lessons I've ever learned. As we were going over everything she did bring up the little girl and complimented me on how I handled the situation. She told me something along the lines of "as a teacher, you cannot control the actions of your students, you can only control how you react to it." She then went onto say that there was no way I could physically control her, but I did an excellent job of maintaining instructional momentum while also attempting to redirect her.
During the same time is when I really started talking to S (my sister told me I need to not use his real name anymore). Anyway, I don't remember the exact date, but it was at Big Group. Big Group was a once a month meeting, usually the first Thursday (?) of the month. Anyway, that corresponded with the day I baked with my class, so for that big group I had some leftover pumpkin bread to share. I ended up sharing with him and we had our first conversations. From there things escalated and I learned we had a lot in common -- our parents had similar jobs, growing up we were both poor, dad issues as kids, etc. It was amazing having someone to relate with and so nice. We actually went to one park one day and just talked for hours about our similarities. Was so nice... at the time. In hindsight I should have suspected something was up.
The entire time I attended First Assembly the leaders would make well placed comments about the importance of having godly friends closest to you. Eventually they were more direct -- my sister and best friend (natasha) were clearly not in this category in their eyes (the irony is my sister is a Christian -- she just thought they were odd and didn't go there). My rebuttal was always short and sweet -- how can we witness to others and develop a relationship with them if we aren't their friends? However, eventually what they were saying did start to soak in and create a perfect storm that ended my friendship with Natasha. It's another event that I don't remember the dates of, but was after her birthday in November, but I don't think by much time. I wrote her a facebook message that was super long letting her know we were no longer friends.
Anyway, Christmas came and went and I was supposed to go with the church to the International House of Prayer for some big revival. I had payed and then we got email with the agenda over the break and I learned the topic was going to be revelations. First Assembly added an asterisk that went something like "we recognize when it comes to revelations people have varying beliefs, but for the purpose of this conference, we will all be adopting the beliefs of the House of Prayer."
This is where I got concerned -- I have never been one who allows others to tell me what to think about anything, especially in regards to religion. I have my own ideas of right and wrong and I stick with what I think. Interestingly enough, I suspect my personality and demeanor had a lot to do with the reason they thought I would be placid and easy to control. If you watch me interact with my close friends I come across as quite submissive. On top of that, I am a people pleaser and always put the needs of those around me above my own. However, it's not like I get nothing out of it. It truly does make me feel happy to know the people around me are happy. I literally get more joy out of someone else being happy than just myself being happy. I know it sounds weird, but it's always been true.
This is going to be a bit of an indirect way to prove that point, but it's the first example that comes to mind -- in high school most of cedar key drank and did drugs and I was never interested in that route for a few reasons. First of all, I grew up with an alcoholic as a dad and secondly, beer is gross. Really, it is. People say it's an acquired taste and I have no doubt about that, but the thing that I've never understood is why people want to acquire the taste of something so disguising. I am sure things like Brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and cockroaches are all acquired tastes too, but I'm also not going to eat any of those things enough to enjoy it either. So, anyway, I stayed home and played an online game called Everquest. Back then I stayed up super late and would play with a group of attorneys out of California. Anyway, they all liked me and would keep a spot in their group for me if I wasn't on when they logged in... except for one. He was never very nice to me and I didn't know why. Three years later we were all guilded together and I gained the courage to ask him. He told me that he always suspected I had ulterior motives because he didn't think anyone could possibly be as nice as I am. It took him years to realize that's just who I am not and not some front.
Anyway, what's kind of funny is something else everyone who has spent any time with me should know is that no one controls me but me. Case in point -- the fall I was pregnant some friends from college came to town. We were all eating Sunday at Cracker Barrel (we can add barrel to the list of words I can't spell) and I was retelling the story to them and one of them was like "well, we could have told these people no one controls you. Look at all the times we partied freshmen year and you never once drank with us. Peer pressure has no affect on you -- you're your own person." That's a really accurate description of me. I've never aspired to be "cool" or had the insane need to make people like me. Don't get me wrong -- I want people to like me; however, I've always really liked myself and kinda figured if I think I'm a great person everyone else will too. If not, their loss. That's not to say it doesn't bother me if someone doesn't like me, because it honestly does. However, I'm not going to do things with the sole intention of making them like me.
Anyway, I really struggled with going on the trip and even continuing at First Assembly. I read over what we were supposed to believe about Revelations and most of it lined up with my views. The thing is, not everything did. Revelations was one of the first books I really studied and on top of that one of my uncles is a huge Revelations buff, so I cannot tell you how many conversations we've had about it. He was actually in Cedar Key that Christmas and I talked to him a lot about if I should go. In the end I decided not to. I think this is important because had I gone, I don't think S and I would have ever became anything.
Anyway, I didn't go and was torn about my future with First Assembly. However, when break was over and I was driving back to Gainesville, my small group leader called to ask if I would be interested in doing something called Pipeline, which is essentially a bible study for people they want to prep to be leaders in the church. I was really excited and it made me feel good to be chosen to attend Pipeline, so I said yes and pushed aside all my fears and concerns regarding First Assembly. Hindsight is soooo clear... should've said no!
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