Another clarification of sorts -- I have changed the names of almost everyone for the purposes of this blog. Every single name from First Assembly has been changed and most other names as well -- the only ones that I kept are people who I don't say anything mean about and very close friends who I knew wouldn't care.
It's interesting because when people find out where I went to church they often have a hard time swallowing what happened -- people who know me believe me because they know I wouldn't lie about anything like this. Yes, I have told lies before; however long ago I learned when you lie there is so much you have to remember whereas when you are honest, you have nothing to remember. People are often so surprised with how open and honest I am. If you ask me anything I will answer it. Sometimes I try to evade the question, but if you're point blank with your question, I will answer it regardless of what it is. The problem with this is that you are going to get the truth and far too often people don't really want the truth. I think perhaps I can admit things so easily because I am fairly certain the emotions I feel and the things I do are things that everyone thinks and does -- the only difference between other people and myself is that I am open about it. IE in my first post about the foundation of my story, I admit I facebook stalked the girl Jon dated after me. That is something every single girl I know has done at some point or the other, the only difference is no one else admits it. Or if they do admit it, it's to their girlfriend and admitted in secrecy. I have always liked the cliche "whatever you do today, you have to sleep with tonight" and firmly believe if I can't even admit to what I did, then I am never going to be able to sleep with. There is also a quote by CS Lewis I really like "I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent hurt more." I take this to heart, so even when I do something I am ashamed of -- like say almost have an abortion -- I do share with other people... even if it's almost three years later :)
Anyway, the point is I am always honest with people -- if they hurt my feelings I tell them, if I like the way their hair looks, I tell them, etc. I think this is really great because it helps me to build friendships with people, but it's also horrible because when it comes to relationships with guys I am too honest and most guys don't want that -- they want a girl who seems perfect. I am actually really great at relationships and could easily pretend to be that, but I don't want a relationship wherein the foundation is a lie -- I've been that route with S and we all know how it turns on. So, from day one I am exactly myself. If a guy says something I don't like, I tell him. If he doesn't call me when he's supposed to, I don't pretend I am ok with it -- I tell him how I feel. How does it work out for me? Well, I am still single so perhaps not well. However, how it is better to give off the vibe I'm so cool with all that and then slowly change months in when the guy is emotionally attached to me? To me that's nothing short of deception. At the end of the day I firmly do believe when I find the guy for me he will like who I am and we will have a solid foundation and then perhaps my dream of getting married and having 398043285032859032 children will be reached.
Anyway, apparently tangents are my thing because I have absolutely no idea how I got from talking about First Assembly to my dreams of being a wife and having lots of babies. Back on track... what I know about about First Assembly could fill quite a few blog posts, but I suspect what I don't know could fill quite a few books. I will only ever post on here things I was there for and saw firsthand; however, what other people have shared with me about their experiences make mine look like nothing. Sometimes I want to share some of the more messed up stories with other people, but I don't because a.) they aren't my stories to share and b.) there is always the possibility they aren't true. While I believe it all and in some cases have seen proof, I know for a fact everything I say is true. I don't want to say something that's false and someone else know it's false and then have them question my story. Does that make sense? So, I keep this focused on my truths. I also don't know at what point sharing someone's story is OK and at what point it becomes gossip. Try as I might, I know I am not level headed and unbiased when I am sharing my experiences; however, everything I say is true. I go to lengths not to exaggerate and in some points I make it appear a lot better than it was. IE -- think back to my story on that two hour meeting and how condensed it was. It was a two hour bash Flo session -- I could have said more. For a long time I wanted nothing more than to bash First Assembly... much longer than I care to admit. It took me a long time to forgive them. I think I have -- I don't feel any hatred towards them and maybe they've changed. Geno is gone now (he is actually now at the International House of Prayer) and they no longer appear to have a college pastor.
So, some background now. The first night I met Geno we were all hanging out at Gale's apartment. Geno spent so much time talking to me that I honestly wondered if he had a crush on me. At that point I had no idea he was the college pastor. That's something I didn't learn until I went to the church for the first time. At that point, there was a club across University that often put on shows. For a while it was Common Grounds, then it was 1982, and then something else. It doesn't matter what it was, but I went there on a whim with Geno and Gale for some show. From the apartment to the show and then a bit within, Geno held my hand, which furthered my belief he was into me. I don't remember if I knew he was the pastor or not at that point, but what I do know for a fact is that at that point I had absolutely no idea that he had a girlfriend -- I didn't learn about her for quite a long time. Between meeting him and finding out about her, I flirted with Geno a lot. Naturally I am not very flirtatious but there are some guys I just absolutely love flirting with and for many months one was Geno. I felt so guilty about the flirting after I found out about his girlfriend. To make matters worse, she was not only absolutely beautiful, but extremely sweet and kind as well. I daresay she was practically perfect in every way.
There was one night Gale, Geno, and myself went over to a girls apartment (we will call her Liz) that Gale had something going on with. The four of us spent the night (I'm talking hours here) swimming and playing around. Was a lot of fun. We wore normal swimming attire and the fact I'm about to discuss said swimming attire has a relevant point. I wore the same bathing suit I've had forever -- black one piece halter. Liz had a bikini and both boys wore swimming trunks, no shirts. Come July 4th of that year a group of us from TJM all went to Gennie Springs, at which point we all also wore normal swimming attire. If you will recall I mentioned that camping trip we all went to when school started. We went to the beach one day and when we got to the beach we were promptly told the girls were not allowed to wear bathing suits -- we had to have shorts and shirts to be completely covered. I was flabbergasted -- I had gone swimming with the pastor twice before this point and we all wore normal bathing suits; however, they were not only adamant about it, but when I announced I didn't bring any sort of cover I was told I couldn't swim (I kind you not). I countered by saying it wasn't like I had a two piece and that my bathing suit wasn't that reveling, at which point they sent Geno's girlfriend to judge my bathing suit. They literally created a wall around me with towels. Well, as we all know I have a pretty large chest, so of course my swimming suit showed off cleavage. It was decided I could not be around the men at the church in my swim suit, but luckily another girl had shorts and a top I could put on. As we all sat on the super crowded beach with TONS of girls in bikinis I remember wondering why it mattered what I was wearing when all these other random girls were showing off far more skin than even my normal bra and underwear show off. Since I'm not one to hide my feelings, I asked, and was told something along the lines of we shouldn't tempt our brothers. In hindsight this should have prepared me for the meeting with Geno because it was obvious the church felt that when it comes to sex, males have no powers and the females are the tempters.
This is another story about one of the members of First Assembly who is now on their staff. He was actually S's small group leader who was one of the members of that late night meeting. Throughout that meeting, he never said anything. I'm not sure any person in the room made anything of it, but they should have. Why wasn't he condemning me the way the others were? Well, the answer that is that I think he recognized he had no room to be judging me. Why? Because not even a week before that I encountered him making out and feeling a girl up at the park!! How did this happen? Well, it wasn't a playground park -- it was Ring Park which is a trial I used to frequent with my Zeus (chow-shepherd mix). I liked it because it was a good amount of walking, so got him a great workout, was mostly a loop so only had to backtrack a bit, and I never saw anyone there. My mom used to always try to talk me out of going there alone fearing I would run into someone scary; however, I always countered that Zeus would do far more damage to another person than they could do to me unless of course they had a gun, and if they had a gun another person being with me wouldn't help me either. Anyway, Zeus, my sister, and I were there one day. We were trying to be more fit at the time, so we were jogging/running. Although we were running, we weren't making much noise, so we easily startled a couple who were making out. Imagine my surprise when it was that small group leader. I actually wouldn't have realized it was him if he hadn't acknowledged me. During the meeting he kept looking down and I could tell he was uncomfortable -- I've often wondered if he expected me to announce what I saw him doing or if he merely was uncomfortable with the situation. I would like to think it was the second, but I figure it's likely the first. Or maybe everyone already knew and he had already sat through one of those meetings -- they do happen all the time you know.
I've been a big fan of CS Lewis since I read the book Mere Christianity. I was not going to First Assembly at the time -- was long before then. As I've read more of Lewis' work, I've realized that one reason I loved First Assembly so much is the head pastor preaches a very similar, sometimes exact, message to Lewis. The problem is First Assembly doesn't live it. Do I? That's tough to say, which means the answer must be no. Things like this are black and white. I once did, though. I recently reread my old journals and was blown away with some of my thoughts and writing. I will also read some of my thoughts in the margins of my bible now and wonder how I ever connected some of the passages. I know the basics still -- I know the answer to everything is Jesus. I have no doubt he is God. I also know my sins are forgiven, but there's more to it than that. At First Assembly I really served the Lord -- I did so much. I know I only talk about the negative, but you should know the happiest time of my life was when I was doing things for God through First Assembly. I don't think everyone that goes to the church is bad -- quite the opposite actually. I think most of the people are really good people, it's just a few of them aren't and while the sermons are great, make no mistake about it -- they do not practice what they preach. However, I know when I was going there the fruit I was producing was real and I saw some wonderful things taking place there. I know my God is an awesome God who can take any thing in the world and make good out of it, so I have no doubt that even though there are some serious issues within the church, God is still using it for good. It's just a shame because think of the good that could be happening if it was all real.
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