I stayed in the hospital one night with Malachi and was only apart from him for a few minutes because they insisted he go to the nursery without me. I later learned that they couldn't take him without me, but apparently it's common practice for them to say that so all the moms don't crowd. I am not pleased that they place more value on their comfort of not having to deal with parents than they place on the parents' right to stay with their kids, but at the same time I recognize I should have been aware of my rights before I went to the hospital. I am far too trusting and naive about pretty much everything in my life. I always just expect people to be honest and do the right thing.
I had a bassinet by my bed that Malachi slept in the first few hours on our first night home. Every time I woke up he had somehow managed to move all the way towards me with his face facing me (aka pressed against the side) and I was convinced he was going to smother. So, I ended up bringing him to bed at some point. Since then he has slept every night with me. I know in America we are told how unsafe co-sleeping is, but it felt natural, and once I started researching it, I changed my attitude towards it. To this day Malachi has never had a sleepless night and I firmly believe it's because of the co-sleeping.
Between my fear of S, the shingles, all the stitches I had to get, etc., I ended up going home to Cedar Key with my mom so she could take care of me. I am glad I did -- all I had to do was take care of Malachi. She cooked me breakfast, came by to give me drinks throughout the day, made my lunch, and either her or Anne cooked dinner every night. I don't know if I could have made it through breastfeeding if I had to do any of those things -- it was really difficult. I always thought it would be easy and come naturally, but alas I was wrong. It was so, incredibly painful I would cry anytime he attached. I kept repeating "short term pain, long term gain" in order to not give up. He would nurse every 1-2 hours during the day and 2-3 at night. After two weeks I had to go to Gainesville for a well baby check. I had texted S once I got to CK and told him Malachi was born. He only asked if Malachi had had "any unnecessary surgeries" (he wanted to know if I had had a circumcision performed). He didn't ask if he was healthy, his size, or any of the normal questions. However, when I went to Gainesville for the appointment I asked if he wanted to see Malachi. First he said yes but then announced he was on campus and didn't have a camera and without a camera there was no point in meeting him. I thought it was weird but told him if he took the bus home to get his camera, I could pick him up and take him back to campus. So, that's what we did. He took some pictures of Malachi and then left, even though his next class wasn't for another hour and I had been willing to let him hang out the entire time. At that point he also gave me a gift card to Cloud 9.
I later learned why he wanted the pictures and why he gave me the gift card. He had created an account on a Christian dating website (Christian mingle) and wanted the pictures for his profile and there was a question on the site about the best gift you had given anyone. He used the Cloud 9 gift card as his answer. He presented himself as such an involved dad and me as a horrible person. He also said he was divorced. Such a liar! I actually printed out the profile in case I ever wanted to confront him.
I was supposed to go back to work full time after four weeks, but couldn't stand the idea. So, I asked my principal if I could come back part time with me working the morning and my sub doing the rest of the day. She agreed so long as my sub was willing to do it. Luckily I had a wonderful sub and she went for it. So, I would work from 7:15-11:00 and then leave, which was wonderful.
S never really came over, and when he did, Malachi would throw the biggest fits. When I tried to invite him over he would show up literally hours late (one day it was four hours late with him arriving after 8:30, knowing I went to sleep between 9:00 and 9:30). It was so frustrating. He would try to fight with me and I just completely ignored it on the grounds I didn't want Malachi to see it. Come summertime S announced he was moving to Bradenton to live with his mom. He lived there for about 10 months and over that time saw Malachi about five times. He would literally text me when he was in my neighborhood and say "almost there". Twice when he tried I was at Disney. It was always so infuriating.
“Whatever you do, He will make good of it. But not the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed him.” -- CS Lewis
I always come back to that thought. Malachi is wonderful and awesome and far more than I could possibly deserve. God turned my horrible situation into something good. He also ended up giving me sole parental responsibility (I am not foolish enough to believe S did that on his own). It was always something I struggled praying about.
I would pray endlessly for S not to get 50%, but as soon as I would say it I would realize I didn't deserve it as I am no better than S. I didn't lie about my past the way he did, but I lied. I told him once I was married it was going to be forever and I divorced him. Sure, at first glance the two are completely different but the thing is they aren't -- at the end of the day a lie is a lie.
That's something I struggle with because to me intentions count. IE someone who steals for their own selfish reasons is far worse than someone who steals to feed a starving family. However, even though to me they are different, to God it's both sin. Both of us had sex before marriage, so we both have blame there. So, while I would be praying for full custody I would also have inner turmoil because I knew S was likely praying for the same thing and God could only answer one of our prayers. For whatever reason He answered mine. I have always been blessed far more than I deserve to me. Sure, what S did was wrong, but it's not like I was perfectly clean. I don't remember if I posted about it or not, but one reason I was always so surprised I got pregnant is because we hardly had sex. I told him really mean (but honestly super funny) things about his inability to do anything in bed and how bad he smelled. Smell in general is a big deal to me -- one of my small joys in life is walking past a male who has amazing cologne on. I had myself tested a ridiculous number of times because I was totally convinced he had to have something. The point is we both said mean things. Was mine as often as his? No -- it was rare; however, that doesn't negate the fact it was wrong.
As I started trying to get over the whole meeting with the church, I shifted from being mad at them to being mad at S -- we fought at least a dozen times because I was all like "what kind of man wouldn't stand up for me?" Then I would talk about all my ex's and compare him to them with what I thought they would do and always end it with "I can only imagine what Tony (my stepdad technically, but he raised me from the time I was two so I consider him my dad) would have done!" So, I wasn't being a very good person in regards to forgiving him either. In a previous post when I discussed how I knew I was making a mistake marrying him, this is actually how I knew. I have pretty defined gender roles in my head and I think it's a mans duty to protect his girl and that's what I want. I've also always experienced it. All the guys I've dated were pretty protective and I've had weird instances with random guys I don't even know being overprotective of me. The example that comes to mind occurred my second year of college. A friend and I had been out drinking and I was pretty far gone. On the way home we stopped at the crazy ghetto station a block away from my house. There were a bunch of guys fighting and the girl I was with got in between me and one of the guys. One of them noticed and I forget exactly what he said, but after laughing he told her she didn't need to worry about me because I give off some vibe and no one in there was going to bother me. So weird! But happens frequently. Maybe that's how I've stayed so innocent and naive my whole life -- I give off some weird vibe!
Eventually I told S we needed a time sharing schedule and to do it ourselves to avoid attorney fees. We agreed that he would come once a week while I was nursing, then have Malachi one day a week once he stopped nursing, and once Malachi started school he would live with me for the weekdays and have every other weekend with S with summertime being split evenly between the two of us. I hated the idea of such a schedule but knew it was better than 50%. This was during the time he was living in Bradenton -- October of 2011. I filed and a few days before our court day he emailed me saying he was just going to give me full custody. He actually wanted to give up all his rights, but my attorney told me that was a really long ordeal and he could change his mind at any time so I was better off getting sole custody and dealing with his rights later.
The only catch to him giving me custody was he didn't want to pay child support. A mother isn't legally allowed to opt out of child support, as it is for the child. So, what we did was set it at the lowest rate Florida allows (250 a month) and say he would pay me directly. Sometimes he pays, sometimes he doesn't. He often sends just 100. I keep detailed records of every conversation we have, every time he sees Malachi, and how much money he sends. So, when he recently moved back to town and informed me he wanted to see Malachi once a week I told him I wanted the money he owed me. To his credit he has been sending me 500 a month for a few months now.
He has seen him the once a month he wanted December, January, February, March, and April. It's hard on me because Malachi cries the whole time he's around. He is actually ok with S as long as he keeps his distance. Then S always, always, always criticizes him. He says what a big nose Malachi has, or what big ears he has, or that he has a butt chin like his mama (which I don't think I have!!), or other mean things. He's actually a lot nicer to him in person than he is on Facebook -- there he called Malachi a Mexican baby and said Malachi isn't his. He has never wished Malachi a happy birthday or purchased him anything.
Malachi doesn't know his name and doesn't call him daddy or dad or any of those names. The selfish part of me hopes he never calls him those names, but I will support whatever Malachi wants to do. He actually recently (think last night) heard people saying "daddy" so he's been calling me daddy. It was funny at first, but now that he's done it so much in public I find it a bit embarrassing.
I am going to change routes here because it's obviously something I can rant about forever. The good news is the visits are only once a month and I can handle it. It's probably good for me too -- overall my life is pretty much wonderful so it's best to throw in some hardships so I stay grounded.
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